It all has to start somewhere, eh? A curious twelve year old boy. Twelve, the age where kid meets teen. A year of rites of passage, the first year of puberty, the first year of middle school, the year I got internet access in my room. A whole supervision free world right in my own room! I googled everything from old TV shows to new music, and then one day in June 2003, I decided that I was curious to see what the current world's fattest man looked like. I went straight to Google Images and there it was, an image of a man with a grin, plopped down, arms limp and just taking up such a huge space. I printed out the image and went into my brother's room and jokingly said, let's get this fat. He was six and really didn't get what was going on. I don't know what I did that, but I just had to share this new interest I had picked up. I just retreated to my room and continued my search.
The idea of sex was introduced to my pretty young. I was nine years old at camp and someone older explained everything to me. I understood but never really applied it to myself. Little did I know, as I clicked through the picture on Yahoo! Groups with my new account, that I had just discovered my own desires. After school every day I would just go right to my room and search about fat. I discovered Dimensions Magazine first through their 800 club page. All of those people, I was so amazed over, and I also somewhat envied them. I wanted, almost needed to be that big. I don't ever remember the feeling ever so intense. At this point, I hadn't really utilized ways to deal with sexual desires, if you know what I mean, so I would just be online for as long as I could, reading through the stories of men and women becoming huge. There was one story about a woman named Judy who just ate and ate and over time became unimaginably immense, and she took in a teen gainer protege to help. I wanted that to be my life. That's when I started to talk to people.
First it was Yahoo! I met a guy, 7 years older than myself, who I expressed my feelings to about gaining. He was a handsome 300 something college gainer, and I, a sexually confused twelve going on thirteen year old middle schooler getting into things online that he shouldn't have been. We talked. I told him my desires of wanted to get huge and he said, "Why not?" I think I was 150 lbs. and probably 5'4", still a child. I told him how old I was and he told me it was kind of hot. I didn't really understand what was going on, so I continued to talk to him. He would tell me how he wanted to run away with me and grow with me. He would tell me stories of how he gained and how much we were going to gain and all of the possibilities. This excited me like nothing else, and I guess it's what made me realize I was gay. This lasted all throughout the summer of my discovery. I gained 10 lbs. Soon before I turned thirteen, he disappeared. It was definitely best for the both of us. I should not have been talking to someone like that and she shouldn't have been talking for me. He stopped, I didn't.
I started talking to all kinds of adults on Dimensions and Biggercity. I would usually be honest about my age, except when the guy was really attractive to me (fat, back then). Some people would block me but surprisingly a lot of guys just answered my questions and were polite. I remember finally getting to chat with a 500 lbs. man and just drilling him on everything. I was so curious and he was willing to answer, so my curiosity was satisfied for a while, and I stopped talking to people and continued to browse. One day I remember before Hebrew School (lol), I had left bigger city full screen on my computer. I came back to my dad on my computer looking at it. It was just a WTF moment for him. I came in and decided to curse him out because I'd rather be hit than for this to be discovered. I came up with a pretty good cover up story too. I said that me and my friends in school liked to see who could find the craziest fetish online. I was left alone about it.Ê
My lurking continued and then I found Gainerweb, spawning a whole new twist on fat. It was proof that extreme weight gain had been done. I found someone's progress pics, showing how he gained from 200 to almost 500 lbs. I was in shock, but I was also so inspired. I also saw so many other people's progress pics. I was so amazed. Gainerweb led to Beefyfrat which led to more conversation with adults which finally led to "go to fatnats.net and leave me alone." I discovered that I was not the only one my age into it. I tried to talk to people my age, but was left bored so I went back into the adult world. I was much more careful with revealing my true age and I made some friends. I would just talk about everything going on in my life with them, especially in departments where I was not comfortable to share with my friends and family. Sometimes I would forget that my fat friends from Biggercity weren't gainers and I would bring it up. A few had gotten scared and stopped talking to me at the mention of it. I was adamant in figuring everything out and even trying to start my own weight gain. When I was fourteen, there was a guy who told me to mix oil into orange juice and drink it. I did that and go so sick, I had to miss school. I ended up losing weight from that.
I kept up the same behavior, except now I finally was able to clearly realize this as the sexual aspect to my life. I was a stupid kid. I would print out gainer fiction from Bellybuilders, Yahoo! Groups or Gainerweb. I'd use it in the bathroom before a shower, and then put it in a drawer. When I got sick of that story I'd print another one. The papers in the drawer piled up, but my weight grew too (220 5'7"), and I was very lazy, too lazy to care about the mess of evidence in the bathroom. I came home from school with a black garbage bag filled with papers in my room and my mom grossed out. I stuck to the story of my fetish inside joke, and she just didn't even want to deal with it. I just threw them out and let her forget about it. Pages would randomly turn up in my laundry in the following weeks, and she'd flip out, but it eventually was never spoken about again.
At fifteen, I was sort of at the peak of what I'd like to call my "pre-understandingofwhatIwant phase" I think I got up to 235, but then just got active and just left the idea of gaining for the bedroom. Now I was 16. I still talked to my online friends, always having an online crush. I had tried out for crew in high school and didn't make the cut. After that, I decided that if I wasn't going to play a sport, I was going to gain. February 2nd 2009, 5'9" and 200 lbs. I started doing YouTube videos to track my progress and I made a Myspace. I did this to talk to more people around my age. It really got the ball rolling for me and I was 220 by the summer and 230 by September. Then GrowingGuys came into being.
I was finally able to see where everyone was from and if there were guys in my area to meet up with, something that I had always wanted. Beefyfrat always froze the computer so I couldn't use it too much. I had finally found my guy. Mid 300's, really cute and in the area. He was in his 20's and I was intimidated. He picked me up from my house and boy was he huge. I was in shock. I could not fathom that being so big would look so good in real life, especially when it's from self induced growth. We drove around, got food and had a generally good time. We cuddled and kissed in the back of his car like the classy people we were. It was my first ever experience with a guy. Feeling his fat just made me realize how much I wanted more for my own. We got more food after the cuddle session and then he drove me home. A week later we met up again, late at night outside my house. We went right to the kissing and cuddling again, and that's when I realized, that's not for me. Things got a little too much for me and I left.
I was really confused for a while after that if gaining was for me. I realized it must have just been doing stuff with a guy I had only met once, which is fine for many people, but I'm a bit of a prude I guess. Gaining and my attraction towards men were so intertwined in my head; I wasn't able to understand what my aversion was towards. I just hovered around 240 for a while and then I was off to college. I was hoping that I would gain the Freshman whatever, and I did. I went from 240 to 270 by the end and then I was 280 in the summer, tracking my progress with videos along the way. I had a few meet ups along the way, but nothing stood out to me. I got a job, and bye-bye progress.
The following school year was very hectic, and my plans to gain did not work out. I am now almost 20 years old and at this time in my life I'm very active, but I know that under the right circumstances, the gainer me will come back and get done what is meant to be done to my body, whether it's putting on 100 lbs. or 400 lbs. Unfortunately, like for many other gainers, those circumstances don't come easy. All you can do is continue learning about your own desires and wait for the time to be right for yourself to achieve them.