I was always the fat kid. Even when I was as young as 7. I remember being in second grade in Rawlins, Wyoming and being called fat. I was at lunch and some other kids didn't want to finish what they had brought from home so I ate their left overs as I had been doing for the last few months. Our recess coincided with our lunch period, so that once we finished eating we could go out and play. I almost always stayed inside for the entire hour, trying to find food from other people who couldn't finish theirs. It was one such day when I asked the kid next to me if I could have his peanut butter and jelly sandwich; as he handed it to me my friend who was sitting next to me exclaimed:
"Slow down or you will end up as fat as Santa Claus!" I replied:
"So what? I like being fat."
After that no one at that school bothered me about it. I guess they figured there was no point in teasing a fat kid who liked who he was.
My family moved a lot. My father had been in the US navy, as was my stepfather after him. About a year after we had moved to Rawlins we moved to Wichita, Kansas where I was enrolled in what would be the first of many Christian private schools (How I later dealt with all the anti-gay emotional baggage from years of being told that homosexuals were an abomination is another story all together). It was there that the teasing about my weight became an everyday thing. No longer would my classmates readily give me their surplus snacks, instead I was ridiculed daily. They called me "fat boy, lard ass, piggy, pig boy, fatty, jelly roll" If you can think it up I was called it. I was confronted with the same sort of labels at home too. My non-school friends would call me "seriously obese" and play games with me where I would act as a pig while they were the farmer. My mother also played a part in my humiliation. She was and continues to be a health nut; to the extent that it becomes unhealthy. She was seriously overweight as a young girl and was constantly humiliated for it so she resorts to what is essentially anorexia under the guise of "healthy eating". You can imagine what sort of consequences this had for me. My mother was ashamed of my soft chubby body, the one that she had created. She always had me on a diet, but I never seemed to lose any weight (probably because I would sneak into the kitchen in the middle of the night and gorge myself). My lack of progress was unacceptable so she would berate me daily about how "huge" I was, calling me a "fat pig" and telling me that I would die young if I didn't shape up. All this while I was in 3rd or 4th grade. Before you decide that I was probably scarred by this you should hear me out. What my mother did was abusive, but it didn't really bother me. This was probably when I first realized that being a porker and getting fatter excited me sexually. My first encounter with masturbation was during a fantasy about being kidnapped by a mad scientist who injected me with pig DNA that would not only force me to get fatter, but slowly turn me into a human/pig hybrid (Yeah, I know I was a weird kid). Every time someone told me I was too fat, which was often, I got excited and wanted to get bigger. There was even a kid in my school that I was unbelievably jealous of. He was about 4 feet tall and easily 200 pounds or more. Every time I saw him I got a funny feeling in my pants and wished I could be like him.
Fast forward 4 years. I went to middle school in Mississippi, where being chubby is much more acceptable (it is the fattest state in the union after all). I was around the age of 13 at this point. People would still tease me about my belly, but now it was more playful. In fact many people seemed to like the fact that I was fat. My mother however was not one of them, she continued to try to force me to lose weight, despite the fact that I was clearly getting fatter and fatter. This was when I met the group of boys that finally understood me, there were about 4 of them. One of them was in my class and he was even fatter than me, we became friends immediately. The other 3 were in the class above me, two of them were fatties and the other was the hottest guy in school (tall for his age, sparkling blue eyes, golden curly hair and an endearing southern accent) and he was clearly attracted to the more corpulent guys at our school, because he always hung out with them. One day he came up to me and grabbed my expansive gut saying
"Look at this fat belly! You're like a little hog! Look how it jiggles!"
I was speechless. The next day he introduced me to the other 2. They loved being fat and they weren't ashamed of it. Not only were they happy being big, but they were always encouraging me to eat more and "get softer". Unfortunately I only lived there for 2 years, but I gained about 60 pounds during that time because of my friends.
The next place I moved to was Biloxi, MS where I continued to be teased but in a less friendly way, I continued to pack on the pounds despite the constant harassment. By the time hurricane Katrina came and force us to move to Virginia I weighed in at 250 pounds, mostly fat and all piled on my 5'5" frame.
I was in 9th grade when I enrolled in an extremely conservative Baptist high school in Newport News, Virginia. I realized I liked boys towards the end of my freshman year and went into a panic spiral. How could I ever be with a hot guy if I was just a blob of lard?! (I had no idea that there were people who like fat guys outside of odd group of friends I had in middle school. The thought had never even occurred to me). Something had to be done. Over the next 3 years I lost 130 pounds by following my mother's advice and basically giving up food. For three years I hated my body with a passion and limited my self to less than 800 calories a day until I was finally skinny. My mom was finally no longer embarrassed with me and no one made fun of me for being fat anymore (they called me "queer" and "faggot" instead).
In my senior year I met my first and so far only real boyfriend who was ironically an inch shorter than me and weighed 300 pounds. I stayed skinny despite having an obese boyfriend, most likely because he was insanely self conscious and was always talking about how much he hated his body. A few months later I graduated high school at the age of 19 and broke up with him. I couldn't be attracted to someone who hated their body. This was when I began to realize that I had to stop hating who I really was. Deep down I wanted to get fat again, but the prospect of being alone forever was too terrifying.
In my second semester of college I found the gaining community via youtube. I was floored. Not only were there other people like me who wanted nothing more than to be a fat hog, just eating and eating while getting increasingly fatter, but there were people who thought these guys were sexy. From then on I vowed never to diet again. 3 years later I weigh 200 pounds and I love it, in fact I want to get bigger. I haven't found a boyfriend who wants to help me get fatter yet and my mom still tells me I'm a tub of lard whenever I see her, but despite these things I am finally happy. Finding the gaining community has changed my life in ways I can barely describe. Every day is full of promise, the promise of being able to eat to my heart's content, to be able to enjoy watching my stomach expand and my double chin get softer, the promise that somewhere out there is a guy who will not only think I am sexy (because I am fat, rather than despite it), but will revel in helping me get even bigger than I am now.